Funny email

I got a funny email today from a friend from work. I thought I'd share it with you, my loyal and faithful readers.

Enjoy!

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HUMOUR FOR LEXOPHILES ( Lovers of Words)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger; Then it hit me.
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Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
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The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
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When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
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The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar and got twelve months?
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A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement and became a hardened criminal.
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When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
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The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
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A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
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A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
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A will is a dead giveaway.
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
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A backward poet writes inverse.
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In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
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When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
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The guy who fell into the upholstery machine was fully recovered.
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You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
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Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
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A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'Taint mine.
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A boiled egg is hard to beat.
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He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
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When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
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If you jump off a Paris bridge you are in Seine.
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When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
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Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
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Acupuncture: a jab well done.